Hello, dear readers! Today is the day I wanted to talk to you about something which you most likely had awkward conversations about with you parents. Losing virginity, popping the cherry – call it what you want but it was always such a huge mystery, at least during my childhood. I could never understand why you “had to” do it with someone only after wedding, why it would be so painful and why the heck, if that was so painful, someone would want to have sex again. After all the talk my parents gave me (which, honestly, wasn’t a lot) I started to think that first sex must be some kind of nightmare-ish experience. Only later in life I realized that those things were big, fat lies that most parents are used to telling their daughters in 21st century w slutin which slut shaming is completely okay. God forbid, if a woman will lose her virginity before marriage and actually enjoy sex, or have more than one sex partner during her lifetime.
Why am I telling this to you? I’m telling this to clear some lies all the people, who haven’t had sex yet might believe in and spread sex positivity. Sex talk shouldn’t be awkward and first sex shouldn’t be scary and painful. Thankfully, I learned the truth about virginity before losing mine and it definitely made my life way easier. Side note: I will lose the phrase “losing virginity” and the word “virginity” in quotation marks because that’s not even a thing. Believe me, it’s not. It’s just a construct society created. If you’re thirsty for more explanation, let’s dive right in!
- First time for a girl is always painful and probably bloody, too. Oh, hell no! No matter what your mother, sister or whoever has told you – that is not true. If first time hurts, you’re probably doing something wrong. Maybe he’s too rough, maybe there wasn’t enough foreplay, so you’re not wet enough or maybe you’re not relaxed enough. If you are worrying about not getting wet enough naturally, don’t be afraid to use lube. Go slow the first time and be vocal, if something doesn’t feel right!
- Hymen covers vagina completely and, when you “lose your virginity”, you break it. Wrong. First of all, hymens are different: there are normal, septate (two vaginal openings instead of one), microperforate (small vaginal opening) and imperforate (hymen completely covers vagina) hymens. In a standard case, you hymen will just stretch out, not break. So, that explains why most likely your first time won’t be painful, if you’re doing everything right. Also, if the hymen would cover your vagina completely, how would you menstruate properly?
- Hymen is located inside of your vagina. No, it partially covers the vaginal opening. The thing with this myth is – even a lot of dudes believe in this. What a shame. Why this isn’t something that is explained in Sex Ed?
- You can only “lose virginity” by being penetrated. This was confusing to me the whole time. I couldn’t understand, if that’s how a girl loses virginity, how do lesbians lose their virginity then? Do they keep it forever? Maybe it’s possible to lose V-card by getting fingered? Too much confusion in here. That was until I realized that first sex technically is no different from any other time you have sex. Well, except for the fact that it’s your very first experience and you don’t know that well what to do and what not to do.
- “Losing virginity” is only acceptable with you spouse. Why, though? How does a paper and a ring change someone’s rights to engage into sexual activity with me or not? Why does marriage matter? Sex is not a sin and something you should feel ashamed about. There are few things you should take into consideration before having sex with someone for the first time but marriage is not one of them. (Sorry, Christians, I didn’t mean to offend you!) If you feel comfortable with someone, know them well enough, maybe are even in love with them and want to go for it, do it! Just don’t forget about protection.
- “Doing it” changes your life a lot. No, not really. You’ve just discovered something very enjoyable, that’s it. And maybe, just maybe, gained a tiny bit of confidence and lots of extra naughty thoughts in your head.
- You can’t use tampons, if you’re a “virgin”. Look at the second myth. Your hymen probably doesn’t completely cover your vagina, so you can actually use tampons before you have “done the deed”. Although, at ages 11 to 14 that might be slightly uncomfortable, so, if you want to use those, go with smaller ones. Either way – you can’t “pop your cherry” with tampon because, as I said, virginity is not a physical thing. It’s just a construct society has created.
- Having sex with someone before marriage doesn’t make you dirty or a slut. Don’t believe what society say. Your sexuality is a part of you that you should embrace, instead of being ashamed about it. If you want to have sex with someone, do it! If you want to wait until your first love or marriage, do that!
So here are all the myths about virginity I’ve heard during my early teen years. I even believed in some of those and they confused the hell out of me. I just wish someone would have told be the truth from the very beginning. That wouldn’t make me start having sex earlier but it would make everything clearer.
In a nutshell, virginity is not a physical thing – it’s a social construct that was created to control women and what they do with their bodies. If you have sex, there is no definite way to tell, if you’re a “virgin” or not. If you want to have sex with someone – go for it, as long as you’re safe. If you don’t – that’s fine. Don’t feel pressured by your peers. Only you should decide what to do and what not to do with your body. Just because someone starts having sex at the age of 15, doesn’t mean you have to do the same. Do what feels right for you and always use protection.
Until next time on Dolls Have Hearts!
Love, Porcelain Doll.