The less visible sister of fat shaming – skinny shaming.

0

Skinny girl with brown hair in sports gear, walking

Hello, dear readers! By now I think you have all heard of fat shaming. Curvy people, especially women have raised awareness about it a lot during last few years. It is no secret that media has been pushing the image of “perfect woman” onto us for quite a long time. We are still drowning in magazine articles about getting beach body and different diets that will help us lose x amount of pounds every month. However, there is one side of body shaming that has not been covered as much and it is skinny shaming. Yes, that is really a thing! Why am I writing about this? Well, because I have been fat shamed as well as skinny shamed.

During my childhood years I was somewhere in the middle – not really chubby but also not skinny. However, I despised PE lessons and ate what ever I wanted, so I was no way considerable as the fit one. Being a kid and hating sports was not cool at all, so I quickly became the main object of mockery in my school. Most of my bullies were boys, who were skinny and loved sports. They could eat all the junk food in the world and still stay the same way. However, if I would eat too much pizza or cookies, my body would show it after some time. I was a girl and being tall and thin was not in my genes. I was jealous at girls, who were like that. The self consciousness made me feel terrible about my thighs, who seemed way too thick at the time (I mean, how thick can be thighs of a ten-year old, who is not overweight?) and small stomach roll that I had while sitting down. For nine years straight I was laughed at because of my body and fat shamed almost every day. It did not mater, if I tried eating less or dressing differently – I was still the ugly, weird and fat kid. This nightmare ended after middle school.

About a year before graduating from middle school I started working out. Of course, results did not show that quickly but I was getting there. After middle school I decided to continue my studies in a different city and different school. Things seemed to get better – my schoolmates did not care about my looks at all and the fat shaming was over. However, soon after that when my workout results finally started showing, I experienced something as uncomfortable which was skinny shaming. As I continued to workout, my stomach rolls disappeared, hip bones, ribs and collar bones started showing a little bit more. I was eating healthier than before and still had normal BMI, however, my parents started getting worried with no apparent reason. I started getting a lot of comments from them that I workout too much and suggested me to workout less and eat more. I could not understand their reaction. I finally started feeling better about my body after all the fat shaming and now this? My parents have never been on the thin side, so this fact made me nervous from early childhood. Will I look like this when I grow up? I didn’t want to. I wanted to be like one of those fit, happy girls you can see on Pinterest and Instagram. Why was is such a bad idea? My parents should have been happy that I wasn’t one of those girls, who look at thinspo every day and starve themselves.

During last  4 years I’ve been working out and eating healthier but their remarks didn’t stop. Especially from my dad. I wanted to feel better about my body and love it but comments like: “You should eat more. Your breasts have become smaller. Your hip bones are showing too much. Your ribs are showing too much. Are you trying to starve yourself? The way you look isn’t healthy. Stop starving yourself. Stop working out so much.” made me insecure and unhappy. You might think that having a slimmer body would make me more confident. It didn’t. I still listened to what people are saying about it. I felt insecure about my hip bones and the fact that I sometimes got bruises on them after workouts, I felt stressed out because I couldn’t find pants that fit me just right. Most of them were too tight in the area of my thighs and too loose around my waist. I felt insecure about my breasts that were never too big but now got even smaller. I was jealous to girls, who could wear nice lingerie, push up bras and actually have something to put inside them. I was almost flat, I still am.

I shouldn’t hate my body, I should love it and you should do the same with yours. It’s okay to have thick thighs, it’s okay to have tiny breasts, it’s okay have boyish body with no curves or very curvy one without small waist. I’m here to tell you what no one has told me – love your body the way it is now. It doesn’t matter, if people tell you that you’re too skinny, too muscular or too chubby. There is no such thing as perfect bikini body and you shouldn’t stress about getting it. There is not one universal body shape everyone should and would be able to fit. No matter what body type you have, it has its own beauty. Stop listening to media and society in general, who’s telling you that you need an ass like Kim Kardashian or body like Keira Knightley, or that you can’t wear crop tops because your stomach isn’t perfectly flat. Wear what makes you feel good, don’t torture yourself in order to look like someone else. You already have a full package of what you need. Sure, you can do some ab workouts or squats, eat more veggies and treat it like a temple but… never take it for granted. You are beautiful in your own skin – embrace it here and now.

That’s all for this week’s blog post. I hope you have enjoyed reading it as much as enjoyed writing it. See you next week with another great article. 🙂

Love, Porcelain Doll.

The real reason I’m not very active on social media.

12

girl looking at her smartphone and smiling

Hello, dear readers! Today I wanted to talk to you about something more personal instead of sharing inspiring content. Real talk is necessary sometimes, too. If you’ve been following me on Twitter, Facebook, Bloglovin, Instagram or Pinterest, you may have noticed that I’m not very consistent at posting and I don’t post as often as I should have. A lot of bloggers are often active on social media, interract with their fans and are happy to be on those platforms. Well, not me. If you have been following Dolls Have Hearts for a while, you know that blogging isn’t the only or main thing in my life. I love writing with all my heart but I still have priorities like graduating from Music high school and a day job. Those priorities need quite a lot of socializing and energy, so when I finally come home after a lonnng day away, I’m exhausted. And, as an introvert, when I’m exhausted, the last thing I want to do is dive in Twitter or Instagram, see what drama everyone’s been interested in right now and how amazing everyone’s lives are.

I know that social media takes huge role in bloggers’ lives but… it really overwhelms me. Even if I’d use social media post scheduler, it still means I have to think about what kind of content to post and it takes time. The fact that I haven’t been consistent with blogging and posting on social media before makes me even more stressed. Although, on a positive note, I’m proud that one month of 2018 has almost passed and I’ve successfuly posted on my blog every single week without failing. Besides – I’ve posted only quality content. No more ranting posts in here like it used to be few years ago. Anyways, back to the topic of social media. Until this time I’ve been trying to stay active on Pinterest, Twitter, Facebook, Bloglovin and Instagram because I thought – than more sites I used, than more new visitors I can bring to my site. Well, not really. The key is posting quality content consistently not only on blog but also on social media sites. For example, if I’d pin 5 pins a week,  pin each day and then disappear for few days, I couldn’t grow my Pinterest following at all. People follow each other for a reason – they expect new and exciting content regularly. You get the point. I have no problem with Pinterest because I find a lot of inspiration there but Facebook and Twitter is kind of tough. If not the blog page on Facebook, the only thing I use it for is keeping in touch with my friends and relatives. That’s it. When it comes to Twitter – I used to be a huge fan of it about 4 – 5 years ago, mainly because of the chance to see what my favorite celebrities like Lady GaGa or Taylor Swift are up to.

So, in general, social media for me is good only in small doses and mainly for entertainment purposes. Except Pinterest. Pinterest is life. However, I deleted my Instagram account because the pressure to keep posting regularly pictures from my life, which does not feel that exciting most of the time, was too overwhelming. And seeing my follower count drop as soon as I couldn’t find time and content to post wasn’t exciting. You have probably heard a lot about uncluttering, removing stuff from your life that doesn’t make you happy. Mostly those videos and blog posts tell you about throwing out old clothes, broken stuff etc which is a great idea. I decided to take this a little further and get rid of social media that doesn’t make me happy and deleted my Instagram. Bloglovin is still debatable, however, Twitter, Pinterest and Facebook will stay. I don’t make a promise to post every day on all of these accounts because I would not be able to keep it. I will stay as active as I can and do my best – that’s all I can say.

I truly appreciate every single person, who takes his or her time in the day to read my blog, like the latest post and comment. It means a lot to be heard. It means a lot to be relatable, helpful and inspiring – that’s the message I will continue spreading. Thank you for being here. My blog wouldn’t be the same without any of you.

 

Love, Porcelain Doll.

Blog update: dollshavehearts.com will be launched soon!

0

SAVE TREES

Hello, dear readers! You’ve probably been wondering where have I gone and why is my blog so inactive. Of course, like I mentioned in one of my previous posts, I’ve been very busy with school and work which, honestly, sometimes tends to suck all the creativity out of me. However, I recently decided to quit one of my jobs, so I’ll be working there only until the middle of December and after that I will have more free time. Why did I decide to quit? That’s kind of a long story but I decided that if, no matter how dedicated I was to the job, someone in a higher position repeatedly treats me like shit by not helping me with things I don’t understand, slandering me, telling me how terrible I am at doing my job and yelling at me, I don’t need to endure it. Enough about the job for now, I might go in depth about it in some of my future posts but right now I will tell you what I have in mind for this blog for 2018.

I finally feel ready to make this blog more professional, interesting and successful. I am planning to upgrade it to WordPress Premium, start being active on all of my social media accounts, which include Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram and most importantly – post lots of exciting content. I have finally figured out who exactly I am writing this blog for, what I am writing about and why I am even writing it. So – great news, this blog is going to get a huge upgrade and start looking like one of those neat, pretty lifestyle blogs that are full of great content. The estimated relaunch of Dolls Have Hearts is planned on January 1st but let’s see how it goes.

For now I am going to focus on getting blog ready for the relaunch. I have to write enough posts for at least a month forward to publish and I’ll try my best to post at least 2 times a week in 2018. At the moment I am super guilty about writing my blog posts the very last minute and even though the quality is good, I don’t have any posts scheduled for the future and that messes with my consistency. I also have to think about the way site looks and figure out the content to post on social media. If you’re a blogger, you already know, how important it is to stay active on social media and post not only your recent blog content but also other things your audience might be interested in. So, just because I have to do a lot of preparation, there might be very few or no posts at all this year. Don’t be sad – better content is yet to come!

If you have any suggestions about what you’d like to see more of on this blog or if you have anything important to note about upgrading your blog, monetizing it and making exciting for the readers, feel free to comment below! I’ve read a lot of information on how to build a successful blog but some extra advice won’t hurt. Also, if you’re a blogger, who recently relaunched and/or monetized your site, share your experience in the comments! I will really appreciate it.

P.S. Thank you all for following my blog and interracting in the comment section. It means the world to me that my opinion is important to you and that my view of life is relatable.

Love, Porcelain Doll.

 

Why I’m not blogging as much as I used to.

2

Hello, dear readers! For about first 3 weeks of school year I felt super excited that it’s the last year of school and I have a job which means I’ll finally earn some money myself. Do you know those moments in your life when you’re telling yourself that you’re starting over fresh and you can do anything? I had this moment at the beginning. But then, about 5 weeks later I realized that living the life I want is not completely possible.

Studying hard

First and the biggest cause of my creative block is school. It’s my 4th year in music high-school which I was impatiently waiting for, somehow hoping that in this year everything will get better. Why shouldn’t it be like that? No more Math lessons which should have meant no more torturous lessons I’m not interested in. Sadly, I was mistaken. In 3rd year of high school at least I had Literature lessons that made me feel inspired and interested and even English that, despite of having a shitty teacher, I still liked as a subject. This year I can’t really name any subject that would fascinate me and I just feel stuck in the wrong place. I know that I am supposed to feel relieved that I have only 7 months left but those are 7 boring months that, honestly feel like a waste of time. I want to read great books, I want to write, travel and study something I’m interested in but I just can’t get out. Not even on weekends – there is still a pile of homework that I have to get done but see no point in it. It’s interesting , how just yesterday I heard in one of Skillshare classes that if you’re having too much stimulation from the outside world, your mind and imagination feels kind of suppressed and you start to feel less creative. That explains my situation a lot. So that’s how my inspiration is taken away. It’s nearly impossible to fake your interest in a subjects that you just don’t care about.

Work tends to be overwhelming. I agreed to take two teaching jobs because I hope that maybe my calling is teaching instead of performing. Of course, I’m thankful for one gifted student of mine and few other that are doing the best they can but working with all other kids that are bored of playing the guitar or don’t have abilities to be good at it is exhausting. Every time I have a lesson with someone, who just not into it, I feel sad that instead of improving my own guitar skills, I’m wasting time with hopeless kid. I’m still wondering, if having two jobs was the right choice for me even more because in one of those workplaces, I’m having a colleague in a higher position, who is very unhelpful and rude person in general.

I don’t know where I want to be in my life but it’s not where I am right now. Please know that I will post when I have some quality content to post and I might not stick to a regular schedule during this school year. However, my heart belongs to writing and I really like my little blog. Huge thanks to everyone, who follows me and cares about the content that I post, it means the world to me. Just so you know – I’m not going anywhere and I’ll do my best to make this blog better but for now it is kind of tricky.

Hopefully I’ll be back soon with some movie reviews and other exciting and positive stuff. Thanks for sticking with me!

Love, Porcelain Doll.

Being fit does not always mean loving your body.

2

Girl preparing for a run.

Hello, dear readers! Social media, magazines, commercials and movies are full of images of hot bodies. More concretely – fit bodies. We are overwhelmed with titles of blog posts and magazine articles like “How to get in shape for summer”, “How to lose 10 pounds in 4 weeks” etc. Even more – authors of these resources are trying to tell us that, if we lose 10 pounds, get a flatter stomach or thinner thighs, we will like ourselves more. Hell, we might even love ourselves. However, that’s not true. Let me tell you my story about how I tried to change my life by becoming fit.

I was never the sporty type of kid in school. In fact, I was the one, who was hiding behind all others and hoping that somehow the teacher would not notice me and I could skip high jumping or rope climbing. Maybe I would have tried but the teacher just didn’t care enough to motivate me. Maybe… but the others would have still laughed at me, right? I grew up hearing phrases like: “Ew, she’s fat.” , “Oh my God, look at her ugly face!” and other similar ones every school day. I am pretty sure that I could count the days that passed with no such comments on fingers of a one hand. Not many, honestly. I kind of knew that my bullies weren’t right – I was not fat, just a little bit chubby like a lot of kids in their childhood and early teenage years. However, at that point I didn’t pay much attention that it was normal. All I kept hearing were those mean phrases, repeated every day. And not by one or few people – at least ten if not more of them. These thoughts got stuck in my head and I started to feel more and more uncomfortable in my own body. “Damn,” I though to myself. “my thighs are actually huge and I hate that my stomach isn’t as flat as it should be.” I started to hate what I wear and how I look because so many people reminded me, how much they hate it. Around the age of thirteen I started spending about a half an hour, sometimes even more on my makeup, trying to make it look as good as possible. I thought that maybe it could help me cover up my insecurities and make my, so-called, ugly face more beautiful. I did my best to look better, naively hoping that it will make them stop. How foolish – nothing changed. I hated myself and constantly asked myself: “Why me? Why am I the ugly one? Why can’t I look like my friends? They don’t get even the third part of the mean comments that I get.” This first part of the story continued until the age of fifteen.

One summer I thought to myself – enough is enough. I don’t want to be the ugly girl anymore. I’m sick of having huge thighs and a little chubby belly. I am going to workout to get the body I want and that will make me feel more confident! I started out small – with about 30 squats, 30 sit ups and 30 reps of some other kind of exercise daily. There was nothing more I wanted than just to get those results. This was kind of similar to the makeup part – I hoped it would make me feel more confident and keep the bullies away. Side note – if kids have no apparent reason to be mean to you, they will make something up in their heads. It doesn’t matter, if you have glasses or not, if you’re fat or not, if you’re teacher’s pet or not – they will come up with something. Like Dita Von Teese said: “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be someone, who hates peaches.” However, I didn’t know that at the time. So kept trying and pushing harder with every month. I used work out every day and sometimes I skipped a day or two, or ate something unhealthy, I hated my guts for some time. How did I dare to do this to myself? I need to reach this goal, I can’t self sabotage myself right now! My workout plan changes with time but I still managed to exercise more than 2 years straight in a row. My body looked better than ever but I still didn’t feel confident enough. I used to look in the mirror and look for imperfections. “My abs are not showing, my arms are too thin and shapeless…” I used to think to myself. I was on this journey that should have been incredibly exciting but somehow I wasn’t excited. Even though I noticed that I had made some kind of progress, it was never enough and the feeling of frustration never really left me.

Some time in November of 2016 I gradually stopped working out at all. I was so sick of this endless frustration and never feeling confident about my body. Whenever I started exercising, there was a little voice in my head that said: “You hate doing this and you still haven’t gotten your dream body after two years. Why even bother?” So I quit and focused on eating less and healthier while I lost about 8 kg until May 2017. Month later I got off the meds and started recovering from everything that had happened. I’ve spent way too long time in this trance-like state, not really caring about anything, not really wanting anything and sleeping way too much. I couldn’t help but sometimes wonder – is this how my life is going to pass? Am I going to exist all the time that I have left in this world?

Getting off meds wasn’t hard but I really had no idea what to expect afterwards. Will I need to use them again? Hopefully not. So I got the courage and told myself: “Listen, you need to get your life together. It’s not going to be easy but you can do it. Stop putting yourself down. Some other person is probably doing it, so why join them and make yourself feel even shittier?” Later on I came up with the 3 task idea. As you probably know, depression basically turns you into a zombie. You don’t care about anything, you don’t want to do anything but sleep and it’s not easy to get out of this cycle. The 3 task idea is pretty simple. Just wake up in the morning and get 3 things done that day. Even if it’s just watering your plants, washing two dirty plates and making your bed. It’s small but it’s still a progress. Later, when I felt like I’m ready to do more, I added more tasks and – voila! – now, in September I’m pretty well-functioning average person. The fact that I came to this point has already raised my self-esteem. When it comes to body image – I realized that I am a human being. I don’t need to be perfect. In fact – I don’t think there are people in this world that have naturally perfect bodies and who maintain them without doing much. Some of as have huge thighs, some of us have small breasts, some of us don’t have perfectly flat stomach but hey, it’s okay! For example, yes, my thighs are still not on the thin side but at least my waist is slim. Life is just way too short to worry about my imperfections and constantly blame myself for not fitting some unrealistic standard. Also, this reminds me one quote I recently found on Pinterest and now it’s added to my cork board in my work room.

hero-today-im-channelling_sarah-silverman

So that’s my journey from hating my body to finally feeling comfortable in my own skin. The moral of the story is – being fit does not always mean loving your body. It’s not about working out, it’s about putting yourself in the right mindset and accepting who you really are. Sure, you can lose those 10 pounds, if you want to but before you do that just stop and ask yourself: “Do I want to do that because I feel the pressure from others and want fit some strange standard? Do I want to do it because I don’t like my body?” If the answer is yes, you’re doing it for all the wrong reasons. You don’t have to be the next Jen Selter, you can live a great life in the body you already have. So what if those thighs jiggle a little? You’re not a Barbie doll that’s made of plastic. Let them haters talk but do not become one of them. Remember, there are only two chances – you can either be your worst enemy or your best friend. Chose wisely.

Love, Porcelain Doll.

5 facts you probably didn’t know about me.

20

pexels-photo-351961

Hello, dear readers!  While I’m still coming up with a list of non-personal blog post ideas, the purpose of this entry is to give you a chance to get to know me better. I am still a little careful every time I write about myself because, if you have been following me for at least 6 months, you know that I basically used to turn my blog into online diary where I rant about pointless things in my life. It was more like a trash can not a blog, to be honest. However, those times are over and I am not going back to my old way. So, here is a list of 5 facts you probably didn’t know about me. Even some of my friends don’t know some of them yet.

  1. I often laugh when I’m nervous or uncomfortable. I have no idea what kind of weird reaction is it and how long I have been acting like this but sometimes it appears in very weird situations. For example, if I’m watching a horror movie and a character gets murdered in a bizarre way, I will laugh. Not because I find it funny or entertaining but just because my mind is confused and I don’t know how to react otherwise.
  2. My hair changes whenever I experience major change in my life. Somehow I just want mark the beginning of something new by changing my hair. Not in the “Britney Spears in 2007” kind of way but still. So far I have had blonde, green and purple hair ends in different periods of my life. Also, let’s not forget the period in my life when I was obsessed with hair chalk and had strands in all possible colours.
  3. From age 12 to 15 I spent way too much time on Wattpad, reading and writing shitty fiction. They say you have to start somewhere but, believe me, everything that was written by me was garbage. Or at least 96% . Why? One of the reasons – when I started writing new piece of fiction, I had no idea, how my story is going to end. There are plenty other mistakes I made but I will go in-depth about this in different post in very close future.
  4. In kindergarten I was constantly fighting with boys because I liked toy cars and Legos better than dolls. I have no explanation for this but I remember that chubby dolls with blinking eyes, dressed in frilled dresses were boring to me. The same was with toy tableware and everything that was placed in girls’ corner. I guess even then I didn’t give crap about gender roles and thought that everyone can play with any toy they wanted to.
  5. I hate being interrupted during a creative process. It does not matter, if I’m painting, drawing, playing an instrument or busy with a random DIY project. Don’t you dare to come up to me and start some off topic chatter or even ask me to do something else. If were not creating together and you are not here to help me, better just leave before I get mad.

Here you go – now I am not just a random person behind your screen and after this personal post I will be ready to entertain you with different kind of content in the future. By the way, can you relate to any of the things I mentioned in this list? If so, please let me know by commenting below. 🙂

Wishing you all the best, Porcelain Doll.

Out of the comfort zone – my first exchange program.

0

Hello, dear readers! You have probably noticed that I have been away for a little more than a week and shame on me – I forgot to write and schedule post for that time period. However, this week was not wasted and I am back with more exciting content. For the first time in my life I strongly decided to make this summer exciting, push my limits and try new things. The tattoo was first of them. Next thing I challenged myself to do was to participate in an exchange program. I still remember the day when I filled out the form and sent it. One part of me was feeling unsure but the other one was too worried that my youth might go to waste, if I do not step out of my comfort zone. The last thing I want in this life is to live a boring life and at the age of seventy realize that I did not take all the chances I should have taken. Besides – every summer until this one passed so quickly and finally when the school year started again, I realized that all I did on summer break was sleep, spend way too much time on social media and occasionally meet few of my friends.

When the leaving day finally arrived, I felt a little mad at myself that I actually decided to participate in this event. I am that kind of person, who does not go to unknown places and events without my friends by my side and sadly all of my cool crowd had other things to do this summer. “Oh well,” I thought to myself. “Just one week and you will be home. You can do this.” When we finally arrived everything seemed okay but I could not deny the fact that I was scared. How could I not be? As an introverted person, whose voice was too quiet for most of the people and who already got used to the fact that no one cares about my opinion, I was beyond terrified. Nevertheless after the first full day with workshops and social activities, I realized that most of the people are way friendlier that I expected and I am definitely not the only one, who prefers working by herself instead of being a part of a group. This was the main reason I chose art workshop instead of dance or music. Also, I was already way too familiar with music and dancing did not catch my eye as much as improving my art skills did. Although workshops lasted only 3 days and we had performances after that, I was pleasantly surprised and realized that trying new things does not always mean feeling uncomfortable and worrying about everything being perfect. Plus – who could have imagined that I will end up painting something on a blanket with spray paint? All the room for expressing myself was confusing at first but when I finally got used to that, I wanted to keep up it endlessly. Spending most of the day creating something side by side with like-minded people, drinking a lot of coffee, having weird and meaningful conversations and laughing until tears start rolling down our cheeks was my version of heaven on Earth. Besides – I was surprised that I, out of all the people in our group from Latvia, started to socialize with everyone the most. After spending most of my life between people, who just suck out your energy, do not understand your ideas and are constantly grumpy, I finally felt like a fish in the water and happier than ever. I even barely used my mobile phone because everything that was happening around me was way more exciting. (I guess, I rarely had such a good time in my life that I even forgot to use my phone.)

Exchange project Sakskobing.

Yes, that’s me – with the guitar.

One more pleasant surprise I experienced was… actually playing the guitar a lot and enjoying it. I went to this exchange program lacking inspiration and motivation professionally and I was close to giving up. I did not want to play anymore, I was sick of it and almost all eleven years I have been playing classical guitar seemed like nothing. Yes, I could find notes, play pieces but the spark was gone. Imagine looking at fire-place that is empty and do not have even coals in it. That was me until I found that the guy, who is managing the music workshop plays guitar as well. After all these years spent between guitarists, who had one common opinion, I was glad to communicate and learn from someone, whose knowledge is different. After some great conversations I even felt ready to play in public again and all the support from people, who enjoyed my little performance made me feel thankful. I even came to a realization that I should stop focusing on creating a perfect result, enjoy the process more and open my mind to different kind of knowledge. Thank you for bringing my inspiration and a part of my self-esteem back, I’m still close to tears because of that.

Poetry and girl with a guitar.

Even though I wanted more workshops during this exchange program, I was also thankful for the days when we only got to perform. Otherwise I would not have met few great people from other groups, who made me smile and laugh as well. It is hard to explain how thankful I am to everyone I became friends with in this exchange program. I definitely want to see all of you again, so we can grab a cup of coffee, tell each other jokes and inspire each other even more. It’s kind of funny, how right after coming back home I am already thinking about ways to meet everyone again and travel some more but I’m thirsty again for some great emotions. If you are one of the people I met past week, let’s stay in touch because you are super cool. Huge thanks to everyone! Together we definetly made the greatest memories of this summer and I am looking forward to see you again in future exchanges and in between them, of course. 🙂

With love, Porcelain Doll.

P.S. Can I still call myself Porcelain Doll? No matter, how hard I tried to escape the sun, my skin is already a little darker than it was before I came to Denmark. 😀

Seeking my true calling.

2

Hello, dear readers! Before I even start, let me say that this post will be personal not educational, however I will try not to whine and put myself in a role of a victim. It’s been a week since I returned from the summer guitar camp in which I spent most of my time not playing the guitar but drinking coffee, writing and sleeping instead. I guess, that period in my life was when I experienced serious change in my mindset. Say what you want but I realized that I will never become a professional musican and I was kind of alright with that. Sitting in class with my instrument for at least 6 hours and totally lacking social life never seemed appealing to me, even more – I found it rather sad. My friends were always more like a family, they supported me the most and I simply could not imagine my life without them. Also, for me there is no point in spending hours playing because I see no goal at all. Do I want to be like every other classical guitarist from Baltic states or Russia? No. Do I want to teach children? No. Is playing on stage is my dream? No. I used to think that being a musican is my true calling but now I am almost 100% sure that it is not. I am pretty sure that you would like to stop me here and say: “I think you are making decisions way too quickly. You have bad periods of time in every profession.” Okay. I will agree with you for now. However, if a person is truly passionate about something, doesn’t it keep him up at night? Does this person even thinks about looking at the clock because a lot of time has passed? Is this person too distracted because he’s not seeing a result for a long time to keep doing something? I am pretty sure that the answer to all of these questions is no. When you are truly passionate about something, you do not care that there is no result yet, you do not care, how much time it takes to improve your skills and you can not live long periods of time without doing what you love. So, with that being said, I am not sure I will feel passionate about music ever again and I am almost completely sure that writing is my calling.

still-life-school-retro-ink-159618.jpeg

I do not care, if good story idea keeps me up until 5 a.m. I do not care that I am not professional yet. I do not care that finishing one chapter might take me up to 2 hours and that I will have to edit it before this part looks the way I want it to look. Even more – I will not give up when I catch the famous disease, called writer’s block again because I have a goal to become successful, published writer and I will find a way to get there. I love both – the good and the bad times because the flame of passion is burning somewhere inside of me and my head is always full of different ideas. I have so much going in my mind that I can not wait to tell it to the world through writing and I feel like my head will explode, if I do not tell what’s on my mind at least 2 times a week. I know it wil be hard, I know I will probably have a lot of useless drafts and rejection letter but I will get there. Why? Because I want to not someone else wants me to. I am sick of following other people’s expectations and ignoring my dreams. Doing what everyone else expects from me will not make me happy. It is my life not theirs. Mine. I have only one life and it is time to stop wasting in and letting parents and teachers to dirrect it. I will get where I want to be, just watch me.

If you are reading this and feel trapped because someone is expecting certain behaviour – stop! It is better to take a risk and fail than never take it in the first place. Yes, you will fail but that is part of the process. You have to fall before you fly, so I dare you to jump. Now.

Wishing you all the best, Porcelain Doll.

6 mistakes I made when I started a blog at thirteen-ish.

0

Hello, my dear readers! No one is ever born a successful blogger or writer. If you are writing, too, you should know this by now. When I talk about my writing ambitions, my mum often asks me: “Have you thought that maybe you do not have any talent in writing? What if you get sick of it?” Those questions do not scare me anymore because I have already answered them to myself. To become a writer, there are few things you need: curious mind, different approach to life and love for reading. I doubt that there are people, who are born with writing talent and everything came easy to them. All kinds of writers just have the things I mentioned before that you need for starting. If you have this starter kit, you will keep going. Yes, maybe you will leave lots of empty wine bottles, and crumpled pieces of paper that have lots of useless words written on them but that it part of the exciting process. To answer my mother’s second question – I will not get sick of it. There is always something going on my mind – all kinds of emotions, doubts, fantasies… Everything! I never stop doubting, fanatasizing, watching and reading. I am way too curious, way too hungry for pain, different emotions and experiences to ever be bored with being a writer. However, I was not always like that. In my early teens I was just a little bookworm, who thought that writing a blog is a stylish thing to do. At the age of thirteen, I did not have lot of deep thoughts in my mind and it is no surprise – I was going through puberty. Now, when I am finally eighteen years old, I see everything clearer and can look back to my young self and notice mistakes I made while just starting my blog.1blog

  1. I had no clue what I was going to write about. I saw a lot of girls being interested in fashion but that was no passion of mine, so I wrote literally everything that came into my mind. That is how my blog turned into more like an online diary where I just vomited all my thoughts in public. Looking back at thirteen years old me – it was no wonder I decided to create a kind of online diary. I was the quiet kid and my parents were often too busy to talk about me with my feelings.
  2. I had no goals and schedule. As I said, younger version of me thought about blogging as just something that cool kids might do. I had no ambitions yet to publish a novel, make money with my blog and become a writer. I could publish a post back then, disappear for a month, then publish one more… And so on.
  3. I did not interact with other bloggers and writers enough. This is the thing I am still working on. Of course, writing a blog is interesting but I got so caught up in it that I barely read blogs of other people, not even talking about commenting on them and liking their content. Being a blogger is not a lonely road. There are lots and lots of other bloggers and from interacting with them, you can only gain. So get out there! If you like someone’s post, let them now! If you have questions, do not be shy and ask them in the comment section!
  4. My post titles were long and not ‘eye catching’ at all. I will give you few examples from my previous content. “Unconditionally is out/thanks to my followers”. Okay, what kind of title is even that? I sound like an amateur musician, who just released original song and is thanking her fans, which is not what I meant at all. At that time I was hyped about Katy Perry’s new single and the fact that my blog was gaining more followers. Nothing too exciting. “Cody Simpson and all those “cuties” that girls like so much.”, “Mad teachers, teachers’ pets,why I hate math and The Princess Syndrome.” , “My parents don’t let me choose most of the thing that matter to me.” You can roast me on these but for now I will just cringe in silence.
  5. Too much personal repeated “vomit”. Everytime I misunderstood hints of my crush or had an argument with my parents, I ran to my blog, so I could get it all out. Too bad I did not know that people do not like blogs that are full of personal drama. Why? Because they get nothing out of it. For my readers this was just a bunch of useless information and a complete waste of time. I would not read a blog like this either.
  6. Too short blog posts. When I was younger, I found it hard to write 500+ words for a post, so often my blog was filled with short posts that often did not have any meaning. Like I pointed out while writing about my first mistake, I had no idea what was I going to write about. It is kind of impossible to write long quality content when you have no idea what are you doing.

In general, those are the main reasons, why I failed to create a successful blog in the past. However, now I am motivated to improve it in every way possible and write quality content only. Have you started blogging in your teens, too? How did it go for you and what mistakes did you made?

Love, Porcelain Doll.

My first tattoo returned my faith back.

2

Hello, my dear readers! Today I wanted to talk about one of the things that I’ve been dreaming to do for so long – getting a tattoo. I still remember those days when I was a little girl and had conversations with my best friend how, when we are going to turn eighteen years old, we will get tattoos. We even romanticized this idea so much that we thought about getting our appointments in one day and being next to each other while it is happening. Of course, in reality it did not turn out like that. When I just turned eighteen, there was no way I could get a tattoo because I did not have enough money. It took a lot of saving but finally, in June 29th I got my tattoo done.

IMG_20170630_151208

Some people think that getting tattoo in a young age is a mistake. I bet every person, who has a tattoo, has heard a phrase: “Have you ever thought, how you will look with it when you get old? What if your interests change and you do not like it anymore?” at least once in their life. So did I, every single time I mentioned my wish to my parents. Also, I got told: “If you do this, you will probably get AIDS.” Oh well, mum and dad. Even if I would not get a tattoo, there are plenty of other chances to get AIDS. And, can you, please, stop telling me that I can not do things I want just because there is a risk to fail, get ill etc? This fear of failure, if I try to do something I really want has followed me for years. My mother has always told me things like: “You can not get a tattoo, you will get AIDS, if you do.” , “You should not study something other than music in college because what if you are just another average person, who chose that path?” , “I do not think you should become a writer. You are not talented enough. Is there even something you have written so far?” . Every single one of those things just made me feel miserable, made me feel like there is no point in even trying because I do not deserve the things I want in life and I am not good enough to get them. Well, guess what? Not anymore. I am done believing these lies.

For me getting a tattoo was not just getting a tattoo. It was me, proving myself that I can do things I want to do. It was me, showing myself that I am strong and I can handle the pain. And it was me, telling myself that, if I can do this, I can do anything. Maybe I will not study in the university I have planned to study in for years but I will find another one that is just as great. Maybe I will not become as successful as J. K. Rowling or E. L. James but I will definitely do what I love and find a way to make money with it. It is just a tattoo but it was one more little thing that showed me, how you think things are impossible until they are done.

Whenever it got so painful that pain was literally running down my hand, I thought to myself: “Oh well, at least this is not as painful as seeing my parents disappointed and not being to accept me for who I am. At least as moments when they do not understand, how much effort it takes to do even smallest things when you are depressed. And it is definitely not as painful as their yelling when I am doing my best but it is still not good enough for them. That’s how I got through the pain and it did not seem too bad to me at all. And in the end – something incredibly beautiful came out of that pain. A wonderful phoenix tattoo that symbolizes, how I can get through anything. To me it is more than a tattoo. It is the symbol of bravery and strength. Probably, it will not look as good when I am seventy years old but at least I will remember why I got it and what it means to me.

What do we get out of this story? I guess, the main idea is: “Do something, if it seems meaningful to you. It does not matter, if others like it or not. What matters is how you feel about it. And then when you are old and wrinkly, you will be able to tell your grandchildren that you were brave enough to live to the fullest and have no list of things that you could do but never did.”

Love, Porcelain Doll.

Starting over with Dolls Have Hearts.

0

Coffee cup and notebook with a pen.

Hello, dear reader! Maybe just now you have noticed that there are no other blog posts in here except this one. You might ask – where did all of your content go? It’s simple – I deleted it because I no longer felt like the person, who previously was posting here. I am not this depressed, brokenhearted teenage girl anymore. I won’t binge post about my heartache or how hopeless it feels when I can’t even push myself to get out of bed. Posts like that don’t make this world better in any way. I’m done with the old me, who wrote about stuff that barely matters and “decorated” it with a lot of GIFs and images. I am done with the person, who was so obsessed with the idea about becoming a successful blogger that writing became almost like a chore for her. From now on I will make sure that everything I post here is quality content that I, myself would enjoy to read. I will not curse, I will not use primitive teenage language because you know what? I have grown up and I have decided that I want to change. Instead of being scared, lonely and lacking any motivation, I decided to take more risks, learn from the past and become better than I ever was.

Yes, I am still battling my mental illness but I have decided that I won’t let depression dictate the way I live my life and I will regain full control over it. Maybe through writing a lot as often as I can, maybe through finding calm in some religion I haven’t been a part of before, maybe through meditating… Who knows. All that matters is the fact that slowly but surely I am digging myself out of the dark hole that I have been in for years. However, I have given up any hope that antidepressants could help me. Even if they help with my condition a little, they still cause a lot of weird side effects. I don’t want to rely on medication all the time and honestly, it feels like it is not the right cure for me. One more thing that helps me to feel better every day is to be proud even about smallest things I have done that day. Have I washed dishes? Great! Have I practiced to play the guitar for a half an hour today. Way to go! Maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to practice for 40 minutes. I am proud about everything that I have done because I remember there were days when I could not get out of bed. I just wallowed in self-pity and tried to escape from thoughts in my sleep. Unsuccessful, though. Everything I was worried about, usually came back in nightmares.

Anyway – enough about me for this time. You might want to be curious, what are my plans for this blog in the future. Well, let me make this clear. I will probably not post regularly but I will try to write at least one 500+ words long post every week and when I do it, that will be quality content only. No more posts about celebrities, unless they have done something that really touched my heart, no more self-pity posts about depression and no more posts about the drama queens in my school. I believe there are way more important topics out there to talk about and that is what I am going to do from now on. So cheers! Raise your coffee cup or whatever you are drinking right now to the new beginning of my blog!

With love, Porcelain Doll.