Hello, dear readers! Today is the day I wanted to talk to you about something which you most likely had awkward conversations about with you parents. Losing virginity, popping the cherry – call it what you want but it was always such a huge mystery, at least during my childhood. I could never understand why you “had to” do it with someone only after wedding, why it would be so painful and why the heck, if that was so painful, someone would want to have sex again. After all the talk my parents gave me (which, honestly, wasn’t a lot) I started to think that first sex must be some kind of nightmare-ish experience. Only later in life I realized that those things were big, fat lies that most parents are used to telling their daughters in 21st century w slutin which slut shaming is completely okay. God forbid, if a woman will lose her virginity before marriage and actually enjoy sex, or have more than one sex partner during her lifetime.
Why am I telling this to you? I’m telling this to clear some lies all the people, who haven’t had sex yet might believe in and spread sex positivity. Sex talk shouldn’t be awkward and first sex shouldn’t be scary and painful. Thankfully, I learned the truth about virginity before losing mine and it definitely made my life way easier. Side note: I will lose the phrase “losing virginity” and the word “virginity” in quotation marks because that’s not even a thing. Believe me, it’s not. It’s just a construct society created. If you’re thirsty for more explanation, let’s dive right in!
- First time for a girl is always painful and probably bloody, too. Oh, hell no! No matter what your mother, sister or whoever has told you – that is not true. If first time hurts, you’re probably doing something wrong. Maybe he’s too rough, maybe there wasn’t enough foreplay, so you’re not wet enough or maybe you’re not relaxed enough. If you are worrying about not getting wet enough naturally, don’t be afraid to use lube. Go slow the first time and be vocal, if something doesn’t feel right!
- Hymen covers vagina completely and, when you “lose your virginity”, you break it. Wrong. First of all, hymens are different: there are normal, septate (two vaginal openings instead of one), microperforate (small vaginal opening) and imperforate (hymen completely covers vagina) hymens. In a standard case, you hymen will just stretch out, not break. So, that explains why most likely your first time won’t be painful, if you’re doing everything right. Also, if the hymen would cover your vagina completely, how would you menstruate properly?
- Hymen is located inside of your vagina. No, it partially covers the vaginal opening. The thing with this myth is – even a lot of dudes believe in this. What a shame. Why this isn’t something that is explained in Sex Ed?
- You can only “lose virginity” by being penetrated. This was confusing to me the whole time. I couldn’t understand, if that’s how a girl loses virginity, how do lesbians lose their virginity then? Do they keep it forever? Maybe it’s possible to lose V-card by getting fingered? Too much confusion in here. That was until I realized that first sex technically is no different from any other time you have sex. Well, except for the fact that it’s your very first experience and you don’t know that well what to do and what not to do.
- “Losing virginity” is only acceptable with you spouse. Why, though? How does a paper and a ring change someone’s rights to engage into sexual activity with me or not? Why does marriage matter? Sex is not a sin and something you should feel ashamed about. There are few things you should take into consideration before having sex with someone for the first time but marriage is not one of them. (Sorry, Christians, I didn’t mean to offend you!) If you feel comfortable with someone, know them well enough, maybe are even in love with them and want to go for it, do it! Just don’t forget about protection.
- “Doing it” changes your life a lot. No, not really. You’ve just discovered something very enjoyable, that’s it. And maybe, just maybe, gained a tiny bit of confidence and lots of extra naughty thoughts in your head.
- You can’t use tampons, if you’re a “virgin”. Look at the second myth. Your hymen probably doesn’t completely cover your vagina, so you can actually use tampons before you have “done the deed”. Although, at ages 11 to 14 that might be slightly uncomfortable, so, if you want to use those, go with smaller ones. Either way – you can’t “pop your cherry” with tampon because, as I said, virginity is not a physical thing. It’s just a construct society has created.
- Having sex with someone before marriage doesn’t make you dirty or a slut. Don’t believe what society say. Your sexuality is a part of you that you should embrace, instead of being ashamed about it. If you want to have sex with someone, do it! If you want to wait until your first love or marriage, do that!
So here are all the myths about virginity I’ve heard during my early teen years. I even believed in some of those and they confused the hell out of me. I just wish someone would have told be the truth from the very beginning. That wouldn’t make me start having sex earlier but it would make everything clearer.
In a nutshell, virginity is not a physical thing – it’s a social construct that was created to control women and what they do with their bodies. If you have sex, there is no definite way to tell, if you’re a “virgin” or not. If you want to have sex with someone – go for it, as long as you’re safe. If you don’t – that’s fine. Don’t feel pressured by your peers. Only you should decide what to do and what not to do with your body. Just because someone starts having sex at the age of 15, doesn’t mean you have to do the same. Do what feels right for you and always use protection.
Until next time on Dolls Have Hearts!
Love, Porcelain Doll.
Hello, dear readers! As you now know, with school and two teaching jobs my life is busier than ever which means I don’t have time for a proper relationship. I can’t exchange text messages with someone during the whole day because I have got so much more stuff to do and I need energy for that. However, that is just one of the reasons why I decided to try friends with benefits type of relationship. The other one is – I got my heart-broken for the first time about a year ago and then my word kind of got shattered in pieces. The person I trusted the most suddenly decided that an argument we had was serious enough just to end an undefined relationship we had. After the breakup (which was barely a breakup because we weren’t really together) and several months of excessive drinking I met someone. And, ironically, he kind of reminded me of the guy who broke my heart. Similar behaviour, similar sense of humor and the chemistry was just there. Soon after that I found myself in this well-known friends with benefits type of relationship. Who would have known? Me! A girl, who for many years was sure that I am a demisexual and relationships that are based on sex will never be a part of my life. For a while it seemed like a good idea but later I just realized that something is missing. And not just something – a lot of things. I wanted dates that included going out of the apartment, I wanted more attention and just… a bond that a person can only have when she or he is in love. I was not in love and after some time just got bored of him. So this finally brings us to the list of 5 reasons why single life is better than friends with benefits type of relationship. Let’s get started!
- No pregnancy scares. Well, I’m pretty sure that even women, who are in a committed, serious relationship experience those, if they are not ready for a child but let me tell you – getting pregnant when you don’t expect it from a guy you love is probably better than from a guy you don’t. No matter how careful you are, things still might happen, so, ironically, I am going to quote my mum and say: “The best way to avoid pregnancy is to not have sex.” I guess, I’ll just interpretate in my own way: “Don’t have sex with someone you are not in love with.”
- No stressing about ignored text messages. What is he doing? When are we going to meet? What if I’m pregnant? Why hasn’t replied? The honest truth about friends with benefits relationships is that most guys, who are interested in this relationship are fuckboys. Some of them might seem like nice guys at the beginning but that is just an illusion. So, don’t even get started with them or, if you already have started it, ditch him. He is not worth your time and is only going to waste it.
- Netflix and chill is better by yourself. Meeting up with him at first seems exciting but then it turns out the only place you two will meet is either at his place or yours. And, if he is a shady fuckboy, who has a girlfriend, then it’s just going to be your place. There’s nothing from with chilling at home but if it includes mostly sex and you two never leave your (or his) place together, then it becomes boring. And I am so not about that boredom, you feel me?
- Have more “me time”. Go to that spa, sleep longer, get your nails done, meet your girlfriends… Do whatever makes you happy instead of constantly waiting for his message, so you can arrange a meeting to fuck. There’s nothing wrong with good sex now and then but if it’s with a whiny dude, who’s probably cheating his girlfriend with you, it’s not worth it. It’s just not.
- No dealing with his excuses and other bullshit. At the beginning he might seem nice and perfect in every way but later he starts coming up with random excuses why he didn’t text back, why he can’t see you today or this week and the list goes on. From chill and funny dude he turns into a shady one and then it’s almost impossible to continue the relationship. Well, at least if you are like me, who can’t tolerate even the smallest amount of bullshit.
So those are all the reasons you should enjoy being single and avoid friends with benefits type of relationship. No matter, how disappointing it is, the scenario of movie “Friends with benefits” does not come true in real life. (I wish it would, though. Don’t you?) Casual relationships does seem fun at first but at the end, if you’re a girl, it’s probably not what you want in a long-term. Better keep living your life until you meet someone, who is honest with you, wants to travel with you and is as crazy about you as you are about this person. (Just pretend you did not detect high levels of cheesiness in the previous sentence.)
Have a great weekend and don’t forget to follow your heart.
Love, Porcelain Doll.
Hello, dear readers! I don’t want to sound like thirteen years old version of myself but today I decided to talk about that time of your life when interesting, charming person appears in you life and – BAM! – you realize you have a crush on them. You are not quite in love with him or her but are convinced that in beneficial conditions you might fall for them. As you start slowly transferring from “having a crush” to “being in love” part, your brain most likely starts to come up with the weirdest thoughts and assure you that either you are destined to be with this person or you are plain dumb and making the biggest mistake of your life by just giving a small hint about your feelings towards this special person. Briefly said – there is a total shitshow in your head. So here are 20 silly and annoying thoughts you probably get when you start falling for someone.
- What if he/she is just super friendly in general and what I confused with flirting is just plain friendliness?
- What if he/she is not into girls/guys?
- What if I’m too young/old for this person to be romantically interested in me?
- What if I’m too straightforward while showing my interest and he/she is not even interested in me? Oh, what an embarrassment that would be!
- What if this person actually has a crush on me and I’m not showing enough interest in him/her? That way I risk losing a chance to ever be with my crush and someone else will take that chance instead.
- What if I’m not his/her type?
- What if I have done something wrong that changed this persons opinion about me?
- What if he/she is already in a relationship and isn’t looking for anything?
- What if he/she is already in a relationship and is looking only for a side piece?
- Why does it take so long for my crush to respond to my messages?
- Why are his/her responses so short?
- At which point I can get more personal in our conversations?
- What is that person with him/her in the picture? Are they just friends or…?
- Why he/she is so emotionless whenever we spend time together? Is my crush an actual Cyborg or just not interested?
- How can I find out his/her relationship status without making it too straightforward that I’m romantically interested?
- We haven’t talked in few days. Should I call or text first?
- I’m so done with hiding my feelings. I will tell my crush everything the next time we meet.
- Okay, looks like this person isn’t interested in me at all. I’m so done with him/her.
- Oh no! I was too immature/flirty/awkward in the last message I sent?
- Am I already friendzoned? If so, how do I know that?
- Should I try out my chances with someone else while I’m not sure about his/her feelings towards me?
- Does he/she even thinks about me?
- Do I even have a crush on him/her? Maybe this person is just my soulmate and future best friend because we definitely have a lot in common.
- Do long distance relationships ever work out? What if we become a couple and he/she starts cheating on me because I’m not around?
- What if he/she is single but someone else has a crush on this person? What if this random person is already making a move while I’m just sitting here and over-thinking?
Those are all the silly, weird and overwhelming thoughts that everyone could have in this confusing time of your life. I’m so thankful that the awkward, early teenage years have passed long ago and I don’t fancy anyone just because they have good looks and everyone likes them. To be honest, I’d rather delete that part of my life when I had terrible first crush at the age of 11 and later on – super awkward and sloppy first kiss with a guy I just met that day on cruise when I was 14 years old. Side note – we never talked again. However, being almost nineteen doesn’t mean that managing my love life has gotten much easier. I might not over-analize every glance from my crush and every text message but I’m still confused about a lot of things and that gave me an inspiration to make this list. But, looking from the positive side, even all the crushes that did not work out and the rollercoaster-like relationship that ended after few years made really good stories to remember.
Also, let me tell you a secret – the last and only relationship I have been in gave me an inspiration to write a book. I still remember, how few months after getting to know each other he said: “You should write a book about how we met.” I am sure that we wasn’t really serious about it that time but after everything ended and wounds have healed, I decided that writing a book is exactly what I am going to do. Our so-called relationships was one hell of a ride with its ups and downs and that’s why it would fit in a book so perfectly. However, the main idea of the book is not to idealize it and the whole “I met him and he changed me” part is just one of the few main things in it. That’s all I am going to tell you about the book because right now I am working on first rough draft and I don’t really want to jinx it. 🙂
That’s it for today’s post. Which thoughts on the list have you had while having a crush on someone? How did they impact your relationship with your “person of interest”?
Love, Porcelain Doll.
Hello, my dear readers! It has been a little more than 9 months since my last and only relationship ended. It was a very odd one, indeed. We were not an official couple, he never bought me flowers or cooked dinner for us. The most he has physically done for me – probably made a cup of coffee. Althrought break ups are mostly associated with broken dishes, crying at night, excessive drinking and lack of motivation to live with your ex lover, I am not here to to talk about things he did not do or did poorly. I have gone though bitter break up pain and now all that I have left is the feeling of gratefulness. Since the moment I met him to this very moment, I have no doubt that he was the first person, who turned my life upside down and sent in the right direction. Now, when I can calmly look back at every moment I had with him, I want to share few simple, yet incredibly valuabe things he has taught me.
- Stop apologizing when you feel like you did nothing wrong. I can remember countless moments when I apologized to my parents but did not really understand what for. They always acted like they are superior to me and taught me that regardless of situation, I am the one to blame and am obligated to apologize. However, the fact that they never had this obligation was thought-provoking to me and did not seem quite right to me. Apologies that do not came from my were useless and just made me feel weak in front of my parents. As soon as I listened to my ex and quit this untrue habit, it made my life a little easier.
- Speak your mind and do not ever use a phrase “I have nothing left to say.” in a conversation. This small sentence is a total chat killer. It just makes everyone involved feel awkward and you feel so uncomfortable that you wish the ground would open and swallow you whole. Even if you have nothing to say for a moment, either have a small pause or just say whatever comes to your mind. It might be something like: “I have not had my coffee today yet and I am feeling a little weary today.” or “The woman who just passed by, reminds me of my grandmother so much.” or literally any though that crosses your mind but is not incredibly inapproporiate. I used to be very secretive and quiet person, who could not keep conversation going for more than three minutes, so this little tip was a life saver for me.
- Do not cherish way too high hopes. If they will not come true, the disappointment will literally kill you. Seems like a weird advice to give, right? However, I found this quite helpful in my life. Whenever I expected something great to happen too much, I ended up frustrated. For example, five years ago I was so desperate to go to the concert of my favorite singer. I talked about it to my mum a lot and I had high hopes that she will buy me a ticket and let me go. Nevertheless, it was in my country not somewhere far away and was not way too expensive. Of course, she did not let me go and the disappointment was so big that I cried about it at nights for about two weeks. Now I have learned to approach all life events with calmly with no exaggerated expectations.
Those, I guess, were the most important and unique life lessons I have learned so for. No wonder why they were a little odd – it all came from very excentric person and thinking about him as a person still fascinates me. However, now I percieve him more like a character from a book not a real person from my life. But let me tell you a tiny secret – he actually is one of the characters in my first realistic fiction book. Even though he is not a part of my life anymore, this guy impacted my life so much that I will never be these same. And I do not even want to be the same. I am deeply grateful for these few life sessons he taught me, for the memories we made, for every emotion I have felt and for the huge inspiration to put these events in my own book. Currently I will not tel you more about it because I do not want to spoil the surprise and I have no idea, how it will go. No high hopes but I will do my best and maybe something unexpectedly great will come out of it.
Have your previous relationship/-s taught you something meaningful? What excatly?
With love, Porcelain Doll.