Why I’m not blogging as much as I used to.

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Hello, dear readers! For about first 3 weeks of school year I felt super excited that it’s the last year of school and I have a job which means I’ll finally earn some money myself. Do you know those moments in your life when you’re telling yourself that you’re starting over fresh and you can do anything? I had this moment at the beginning. But then, about 5 weeks later I realized that living the life I want is not completely possible.

Studying hard

First and the biggest cause of my creative block is school. It’s my 4th year in music high-school which I was impatiently waiting for, somehow hoping that in this year everything will get better. Why shouldn’t it be like that? No more Math lessons which should have meant no more torturous lessons I’m not interested in. Sadly, I was mistaken. In 3rd year of high school at least I had Literature lessons that made me feel inspired and interested and even English that, despite of having a shitty teacher, I still liked as a subject. This year I can’t really name any subject that would fascinate me and I just feel stuck in the wrong place. I know that I am supposed to feel relieved that I have only 7 months left but those are 7 boring months that, honestly feel like a waste of time. I want to read great books, I want to write, travel and study something I’m interested in but I just can’t get out. Not even on weekends – there is still a pile of homework that I have to get done but see no point in it. It’s interesting , how just yesterday I heard in one of Skillshare classes that if you’re having too much stimulation from the outside world, your mind and imagination feels kind of suppressed and you start to feel less creative. That explains my situation a lot. So that’s how my inspiration is taken away. It’s nearly impossible to fake your interest in a subjects that you just don’t care about.

Work tends to be overwhelming. I agreed to take two teaching jobs because I hope that maybe my calling is teaching instead of performing. Of course, I’m thankful for one gifted student of mine and few other that are doing the best they can but working with all other kids that are bored of playing the guitar or don’t have abilities to be good at it is exhausting. Every time I have a lesson with someone, who just not into it, I feel sad that instead of improving my own guitar skills, I’m wasting time with hopeless kid. I’m still wondering, if having two jobs was the right choice for me even more because in one of those workplaces, I’m having a colleague in a higher position, who is very unhelpful and rude person in general.

I don’t know where I want to be in my life but it’s not where I am right now. Please know that I will post when I have some quality content to post and I might not stick to a regular schedule during this school year. However, my heart belongs to writing and I really like my little blog. Huge thanks to everyone, who follows me and cares about the content that I post, it means the world to me. Just so you know – I’m not going anywhere and I’ll do my best to make this blog better but for now it is kind of tricky.

Hopefully I’ll be back soon with some movie reviews and other exciting and positive stuff. Thanks for sticking with me!

Love, Porcelain Doll.

Seeking my true calling.

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Hello, dear readers! Before I even start, let me say that this post will be personal not educational, however I will try not to whine and put myself in a role of a victim. It’s been a week since I returned from the summer guitar camp in which I spent most of my time not playing the guitar but drinking coffee, writing and sleeping instead. I guess, that period in my life was when I experienced serious change in my mindset. Say what you want but I realized that I will never become a professional musican and I was kind of alright with that. Sitting in class with my instrument for at least 6 hours and totally lacking social life never seemed appealing to me, even more – I found it rather sad. My friends were always more like a family, they supported me the most and I simply could not imagine my life without them. Also, for me there is no point in spending hours playing because I see no goal at all. Do I want to be like every other classical guitarist from Baltic states or Russia? No. Do I want to teach children? No. Is playing on stage is my dream? No. I used to think that being a musican is my true calling but now I am almost 100% sure that it is not. I am pretty sure that you would like to stop me here and say: “I think you are making decisions way too quickly. You have bad periods of time in every profession.” Okay. I will agree with you for now. However, if a person is truly passionate about something, doesn’t it keep him up at night? Does this person even thinks about looking at the clock because a lot of time has passed? Is this person too distracted because he’s not seeing a result for a long time to keep doing something? I am pretty sure that the answer to all of these questions is no. When you are truly passionate about something, you do not care that there is no result yet, you do not care, how much time it takes to improve your skills and you can not live long periods of time without doing what you love. So, with that being said, I am not sure I will feel passionate about music ever again and I am almost completely sure that writing is my calling.

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I do not care, if good story idea keeps me up until 5 a.m. I do not care that I am not professional yet. I do not care that finishing one chapter might take me up to 2 hours and that I will have to edit it before this part looks the way I want it to look. Even more – I will not give up when I catch the famous disease, called writer’s block again because I have a goal to become successful, published writer and I will find a way to get there. I love both – the good and the bad times because the flame of passion is burning somewhere inside of me and my head is always full of different ideas. I have so much going in my mind that I can not wait to tell it to the world through writing and I feel like my head will explode, if I do not tell what’s on my mind at least 2 times a week. I know it wil be hard, I know I will probably have a lot of useless drafts and rejection letter but I will get there. Why? Because I want to not someone else wants me to. I am sick of following other people’s expectations and ignoring my dreams. Doing what everyone else expects from me will not make me happy. It is my life not theirs. Mine. I have only one life and it is time to stop wasting in and letting parents and teachers to dirrect it. I will get where I want to be, just watch me.

If you are reading this and feel trapped because someone is expecting certain behaviour – stop! It is better to take a risk and fail than never take it in the first place. Yes, you will fail but that is part of the process. You have to fall before you fly, so I dare you to jump. Now.

Wishing you all the best, Porcelain Doll.