Life update: career goals, school, love and everything else.

Mountains and hands, holding flowers

Hello, dear readers! No matter what, I am promising you and myself to stay consistent at blogging. This time my life got so messy that I had no proper post to prepare, so I am writing this instead and letting you know, how things are going.

University applications have stressed me out a lot. In the middle of January I applied to five UK universities through UCAS. So far I have received three conditional offers, one rejection and… probably will receive another rejection, which makes me wonder, if choosing BA in Creative writing was a good idea in the first place. However, my favorite university offered me the place almost immediately and, even though they did not ask for a writing example, I am excited that they gave me a chance. I will not reveal the name of the university yet but all I can say right now is that it is located in incredibly beautiful place, has a lot of student societies, lovely and affordable dorms and wonderful Fresher’s week events. Even though applying to uni abroad seems a little hectic, I can not wait until I am done and, in a way, starting my life over. New town, new school, new friends and… new me.

Current school is making me very unhappy. I notice that I do not fit in at all and the thing is – I do not want to. However, I would rather get away from it all as quick as possible than dwell in this routine. Lessons do not excite me anymore – most musical subject are way too dry and boring. Most people around me seem completely different from me. No one likes to read, no one is interested in self-improvement, no one is writing a blog… Nothing. I feel like a swan between pigeons. When it comes to self-expression in music, I have completely made up my mind to get higher education in some other subject. I am just not charismatic and extroverted enough to succeed. I feel like I am completely failing at what I do and no one helps me to get out of it. Anyways, there are just three months left, so I am counting down days.

Love, oh love… Does it still exists nowadays? I feel like most people do not know what love even is, they just assume they know what it is. Communication between people, especially women and men is fucked up. Women feel too much but men are repulsed by emotional women. It is like they want some kind of blow-up doll, who could also cook and clean the house. Anything else? Meaningless. Just God forbid you tell them, how you really feel. They are disgusted by vulnerability and affection. Romantic type of love seems to have died out. However, there is a certain male person, whose name I will not mention with who I can be myself. No, we are not a couple and we will never be. We are not even in love. Maybe we are just friends, who lack a certain type of intimacy, so get it from each other. (And no, I am not talking only about sex.) He does not get repulsed when I am emotional, he calms me down instead. Surprisingly, he even like how I play the guitar. I have never met someone, whose occupation in not creative and who enjoys the music I perform that much. I am not in love but I simply appreciate him. Life has weird ways of introducing you with people, who later gain meaning in your life. He is one of them. Maybe, after I graduate, I will never see him again but I will be thankful that I once knew him. He is the reason I still do not believe that “all men are the same”.

I am getting addicted to writing. A little more than a month ago I bought beautiful hardcover notebook. I, just like many others, have a weakness for blank, beautiful and thick notebooks. I might have ten of them at home but I will still buy one more just because writing certain things in a certain notebook feels right. So, I bought the notebook to grow my writing habit. To make it a little harder, I decided to write in it only in English. I started out with a page or half page a day but now I can write several pages each day and still want more. The point of this is to make my language flow more easily, get used to writing in English and get rid of perfectionism. It is so easy to stumble upon words, trying to find the right one and get stuck because of the feeling that nothing you write will ever be good enough. Screw that feeling. Sometimes the only way to write something great is to “vomit” words and feelings all over the page and edit it later. If you love writing but still have not developed the habbit of doing it every day, this is your chance. Start like I did – slowly but fearfully. And read a lot to keep your thoughts and ideas fresh.

That is all I have to say for today. I will just pick up my writing journal and brain dump some more thoughts in to it because nothing is as satisfying as that. Until next time on Dolls Have Hearts!

Love, Porcelain Doll.

5 reasons why single life is better than friends with benefits type of relationship.

Happy brunette in a sand coloured coat, enjoying autumn

Hello, dear readers! As you now know, with school and two teaching jobs my life is busier than ever which means I don’t have time for a proper relationship. I can’t exchange text messages with someone during the whole day because I have got so much more stuff to do and I need energy for that. However, that is just one of the reasons why I decided to try friends with benefits type of relationship. The other one is – I got my heart-broken for the first time about a year ago and then my word kind of got shattered in pieces. The person I trusted the most suddenly decided that an argument we had was serious enough just to end an undefined relationship we had. After the breakup (which was barely a breakup because we weren’t really together) and several months of excessive drinking I met someone. And, ironically, he kind of reminded me of the guy who broke my heart. Similar behaviour, similar sense of humor and the chemistry was just there. Soon after that I found myself in this well-known friends with benefits type of relationship. Who would have known? Me! A girl, who for many years was sure that I am a demisexual and relationships that are based on sex will never be a part of my life. For a while it seemed like a good idea but later I just realized that something is missing. And not just something – a lot of things. I wanted dates that included going out of the apartment, I wanted more attention and just… a bond that a person can only have when she or he is in love. I was not in love and after some time just got bored of him. So this finally brings us to the list of 5 reasons why single life is better than friends with benefits type of relationship. Let’s get started!

  1. No pregnancy scares. Well, I’m pretty sure that even women, who are in a committed, serious relationship experience those, if they are not ready for a child but let me tell you – getting pregnant when you don’t expect it from a guy you love is probably better than from a guy you don’t. No matter how careful you are, things still might happen, so, ironically, I am going to quote my mum and say: “The best way to avoid pregnancy is to not have sex.” I guess, I’ll just interpretate in my own way: “Don’t have sex with someone you are not in love with.”
  2. No stressing about ignored text messages. What is he doing? When are we going to meet? What if I’m pregnant? Why hasn’t replied? The honest truth about friends with benefits relationships is that most guys, who are interested in this relationship are fuckboys. Some of them might seem like nice guys at the beginning but that is just an illusion. So, don’t even get started with them or, if you already have started it, ditch him. He is not worth your time and is only going to waste it.
  3. Netflix and chill is better by yourself. Meeting up with him at first seems exciting but then it turns out the only place you two will meet is either at his place or yours. And, if he is a shady fuckboy, who has a girlfriend, then it’s just going to be your place. There’s nothing from with chilling at home but if it includes mostly sex and you two never leave your (or his) place together, then it becomes boring. And I am so not about that boredom, you feel me?
  4. Have more “me time”. Go to that spa, sleep longer, get your nails done, meet your girlfriends… Do whatever makes you happy instead of constantly waiting for his message, so you can arrange a meeting to fuck. There’s nothing wrong with good sex now and then but if it’s with a whiny dude, who’s probably cheating his girlfriend with you, it’s not worth it. It’s just not.
  5. No dealing with his excuses and other bullshit. At the beginning he might seem nice and perfect in every way but later he starts coming up with random excuses why he didn’t text back, why he can’t see you today or this week and the list goes on. From chill and funny dude he turns into a shady one and then it’s almost impossible to continue the relationship. Well, at least if you are like me, who can’t tolerate even the smallest amount of bullshit.

So those are all the reasons you should enjoy being single and avoid friends with benefits type of relationship. No matter, how disappointing it is, the scenario of movie “Friends with benefits” does not come true in real life. (I wish it would, though. Don’t you?) Casual relationships does seem fun at first but at the end, if you’re a girl, it’s probably not what you want in a long-term. Better keep living your life until you meet someone, who is honest with you, wants to travel with you and is as crazy about you as you are about this person. (Just pretend you did not detect high levels of cheesiness in the previous sentence.)

Have a great weekend and don’t forget to follow your heart.

Love, Porcelain Doll.